btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I did not marry a roomba.
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