Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
