the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
