At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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