He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
