DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
