Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
