the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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