1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize