Have you finally orgasmed yet?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
a search helicopter?!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
