so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
