I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize