her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
