I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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