Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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