Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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