yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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