six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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