I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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