Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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