im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize