My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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