It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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