is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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