why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
