she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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