she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize