If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
