I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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