Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
