my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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