were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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