Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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