When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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