I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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