I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
