So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
