I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
