but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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