thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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