i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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