i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
