Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
