YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize