Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
