I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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