His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
