I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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