It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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