She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize