I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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