How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
