So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize