Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
