ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
