Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
