my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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