meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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